Bewilderment

It's February and I'm cold.

My body temperature is where it's supposed to be, so that's not the problem. My office and house are comfortably heated.... that's not the problem either. I have appropriate clothing. I have the love of a wonderful woman and children whom I adore. I shouldn't be cold... but I am. I'm so very cold in my soul today. Maybe numb is the more correct word. You see, we've learned that we probably won't be able to spend our lives with our children from El Salvador.

Our agency is closing the program to new applications because it is unclear when (or even if) dossiers will be reviewed by the government in El Salvador. It's now been about 4.5 months since we submitted our dossier to AWAA (our agency) and it isn't anwhere close to being looked at. At the time we submitted, their materials indicated that it normally takes 3 - 10 months for dossier approval. We sent it to our agency, they sent it to El Salvador where it would be translated into Spanish and then reviewed by OPA (oficina para adopciones), the government agency overseeing international adoptions. The process in El Salvador is that the dossier is first approved by OPA and then you go on the list to receive referral of a child. As such, we've never seen our children there. We don't know their names. We don't know their stories. We don't know their hopes and dreams... but we know that we're ready to bring our children home. It looks like we will not get the chance... at least not for several years.

OPA does not have the staff or resources to do their job. We've heard (through the grapevine... not from our agency) that OPA had two social workers who reviewed dossiers but that they now only have one. Last year, they approved what we understand to be 9 dossiers from our agency. There are over 50 waiting for review and there is no timeline on when they will even be looked at. There is at least one family from our agency whose unreviewed dossier has been in country for 16 months and counting. At this pace they will take years to even catch-up. Hence, our agency has shut the door to new applications for El Salvador and we have a difficult decision to make.

We can elect to stay in El Salvador with AWAA and wait for several years, or we can change. My wife and I both agree that we want our children to share a common childhood. This pushes us toward getting out of El Salvador. We are trying to decide if we stay with AWAA and switch programs, or if we change agencies altogether (abandoning several thousand dollars in the process). This is weighing on our hearts heavily right now and it chills me down to my very core. It's like the joy has been sucked right out of my heart. How can we "abandon" our children in El Salvador who are counting on us? I know that we've never even learned their names, but it feels no different than abandoning our birth children. It hurts in a way that you may never know unless you've been in a similar situation. Still, I don't think we really have an alternative.

A lot of folks from the El Salvador program are staying and describe it as having faith. They feel God-lead to be there and they will follow this path as a matter of faith. I don't think I'm so much having a crisis of faith as much as I'm having a crisis of understanding where God's leading us. I truly feel God's will in bringing two children into our lives and hearts. Of this I have absolute clarity and no doubts whatsoever. Where I'm struggling is in understanding WHERE these children are. When we first started thinking and planning, we considered several countries. I described in my first post on this blog a little of how we ended up in El Salvador, but I'd be dishonest if I don't admit that the cost (among the lowest) and the advertised timeframe (among the quickest) were factors that I considered. Was I really lead to El Salvador as part of God's plan... or was I just trying to micromanage His plan for my own ease? Afterall, I know how to best do God's will... it's doing it my way, right? I should know better than that and I think He's showing me the truth.

So, coming to grips with the truth is a hard thing. I feel a little like David in 2 Samuel 12. He did what he knew to be selfish and against God's will. The Lord showed him the foulness of his selfishness and it's terrible cost through the death of the child borne of David's sin. This is sort of how I feel about my children in El Salvador, albeit in on a much smaller scale. I know the Lord will care for them and has a plan for them also, so I find some comfort in that. So now it's time to truly be open to His will and let Him show me his plan... and do it His way. I think He's already doing so... ironically, it looks like it might be with the very first agency we considered nearly a year ago. The one we ignored even though we felt moved about them. It's funny how the Lord corrects and moves you back on track. He did so with David who went on to honor God greatly.... I only hope I can do the same.

- Mark